


Fading

by nandonman



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst fic, Character Study, Everyone lived, Gen, Guilt, Josh Washington Is Not a Wendigo, Mental Instability, Post Until Dawn, Schizophrenia, depresso times, or schizoaffective disorder too, playlist link, projecting onto poor josh, slight washingroe, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:21:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24069544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nandonman/pseuds/nandonman
Summary: "From the depths of the oceanFrom the bottom of the seaI said i'm sorry, i'm sorry.Nothing i can say nowWould justify a thingJust know i'm sorry, i'm sorry."
Relationships: Implied Josh Washington/Mike Munroe, Referenced Sam Giddings/Jessica Riley
Kudos: 8





	Fading

**Author's Note:**

> Been feelin post-UD Josh vibes lately and thought i might fuck around with some ideas
> 
> TW for hallucinations, self harm, brief gore, guilt, loneliness
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5MYPTDjqZN8YUKfTbiK6DF?si=9XvF1ybHTGOIQhPXA4HyNg

The soles of Josh's feet scraped against the rug beneath them, pushing it across the floor. He stumbled but managed to catch himself. His toes curled inward as he pushed frantically away from his dresser, hands clawing at the edge of the wood.

"No. No, no no. Shut up."

"Josh, look. I know it's hard, but you have to do it. You have to just let go."

"No," Josh mumbled, tears falling in overwhelming amounts, his vision wasted and leaving him with nothing to focus on but the image of himself holding a knife against his stomach. He pulls it away, takes a breath--one, then two--and sends it running into his skin, splitting it open and letting the poison inside him drain onto the cold tile floor.

"NO!"

Josh swung his head at the dresser, the pain far away. All he could feel was the overwhelming, full body urge--the _need_ to do as Hannah told him.

But it wasn't Hannah.

Josh knew it was all in his head, he knew that and yet still, he couldn't convince himself of it in this state. His entire body was shaking with an itch that needed to be scratched. He wished to God it would go away. He'd do anything. He'd reach out to the group again, apologize, make everything right--as long as he never had to feel this. Never again.

"You know there's only one way out."

"SHUT. UP."

Beth's voice now. "Josh, please. Do it for us. For your friends. It's inevitable, and you know it."

Josh shut his eyes, tears dripping from his jaw and hitting his freezing feet.

"No. No, shut up, just SHUT UP! I can't do it. I can't fucking do it, okay!?"

Josh didn't dare let go of his dresser. He knew the moment he did, his feet would carry him straight to the kitchen. So instead, he banged his fist against the wood and looked up at the ceiling. His vision swam as he did, and he shut his eyes again.

"I can't do it--there'd be so much blood, and I'd wimp out and call the cops, and I'd just--I can't--I can't!!"

"JOSH. _Please_."

Hannah and Beth were pleading with him, but he couldn't give in.

No. They're not real. They're NOT REAL.

"I can match you," Josh whispered. "I . . . I can be louder. I can shut you out. I can shut you out."

Josh swore he felt someone's hand on his shoulder, but instead of pushing it off, he let his bruised fists dig into his hair, shrinking against his damn dresser again. Another wave of . . . what the hell was this? Withdrawals?

"You're not real. You can't tell. Me. What. To. Do. You can't make me--"

"Josh, listen to yourself--"

"No, YOU LISTEN! YOU'RE NOT FUCKING REAL! YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!"

"JOSH, LISTEN TO US!" Beth's voice was broken--was she crying?

"Please, please, you have to get it out! Josh, it hurts! It fucking hurts so much--"

Josh couldn't take it anymore.

The last sound he heard was far away, a distant scream. Was that him, or his sisters?

Josh barely registered the command his brain sent, but without hesitation he followed through, slamming his head as hard as he could against the dresser.

Then everything went black.

"Hey. You alright?"

Josh snapped his head up, gaze flicking up to meet the eyes of a concerned looking woman.

"What? Nah, yeah, I'm good. Did you need something?"

The woman smiled uncertainly but continued. "Actually, yes. I was looking for some milk. Where could I find the dairy aisle?"

Josh blinked. Right.

"Uh. Just up there then to the left." Josh pointed ahead, and the woman nodded.

"Thanks, hun."

"Mhm."

As she sauntered off, Josh turned back to the stack of cans half loaded onto the shelves.

"Gotta stay busy," he whispered to himself a reminder.

He couldn't afford to think.

That night, as Josh was about to clock out, a vaguely familiar voice stopped him.

"Hey. You leavin'?"

Josh turned and recognized the girl beside him as one of his coworkers. She had curly auburn hair and a nice smile.

"Yeah. Natalie, right?"

Natalie nodded. "The one and only. Hey, listen, I don't usually do this kind of thing but . . . you have an insta?"

Josh paused. He did have one, but he hadn't been on it in . . . well, anyway, he didn't even know his username.

"Let me pull it up for you. It's kinda hard to spell."

Pulling out his phone, Josh unlocked it and found the app. He pressed the icon and waited as it loaded up.

Then he froze.

On his home page was a photo of Sam, with the rest of their friends in the background at some restaurant. They were all smiling, Mike grinning cheekily and Ashley flashing a peace sign with an adorable dimple dotting her cheek. Chris was smiling too, with an arm wrapped around Ashley. Below the post were the words _59 minutes ago._

They looked . . . happy.

Josh remembered then what he was doing, and he glanced up at Natalie, who was raising an eyebrow at him.

"Something juicy?"

". . . Something like that."

Josh pulled up his profile and handed the phone to Natalie, who laughed.

"Wow. Great name. Somehow, I'm not surprised."

Josh just nodded, his thoughts flying back to Sam's post.

Of course they were all still close. Why wouldn't they be? Just because Josh drifted away doesn't mean they'd let each other go. No, of course not. It made sense.

Natalie handed his phone back and said a few more words before waving goodbye with a flirtatious smirk. Josh barely registered it.

When Josh got home that night, he was quick to get in bed. The day had exhausted him, as more and more had begun to, and all he wanted was to sleep. For everything to go away.

But of course, it wasn't that easy.

An hour later, Josh decided to roll over and grab his phone sitting on his nightstand. A pale white light lit up against his face, and he blinked as he adjusted to it in the darkness of his room.

Without thinking, he swiped right, tapped, then watched the familiar logo appear as Instagram loaded back up.

He'd gotten a new message from anglenxt.l13, but he didn't have the energy to check it.

Instead, he found himself scrolling mindlessly through his feed, reminded of the times he used to actually put effort into this thing.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Josh knew he was searching for them. He was doing this to himself.

And so when his thumb landed on a photo of Matt and Em kissing, Matt looking starstruck as always and Em holding her middle finger to the camera, he paused.

_So they're still together. Weird._

The post had another photo, so he swiped and almost dropped his phone in surprise.

It was across a table--the same table from the restaurant pic earlier--and showed Jess cuddling up to Sam, who was looking at the blonde like she was the most precious thing in the world.

"Didn't see that coming."

The caption read _Who's cuter?--Be honest. They can take it. (;_

Well. You learn something new everyday.

Before he could stop himself, Josh was clicking on the tag. Sam's profile popped up, a familiar sight with only a few changes.

He recognized the restaurant pic from earlier, followed by various others in different places, some of just her, others with Jess, and others with . . . everyone else.

_Why are you surprised? You hurt them, man. They almost died, for fuck's sake. Why would they want you back?_

Josh blinked away the thoughts even as his stomach twisted in response. He was about to click away when another picture caught his eye.

On his screen was Mike Munroe with a huge ass huskey--was it a huskey?--looking like the happiest man in the world with his eyes scrunched closed and the dog's tongue lapping at his cheek.

Josh couldn't help but stare.

It had been nearly a year since they'd talked, and yet seeing Mike's face was enough to send a spark through his chest.

It was wrong.

Quickly, Josh left the app and went to Spotify instead. He needed a distraction.

He heard the familiar psychedelic intro of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb," and closed his eyes.

Josh laid there for another forty minutes or so before starting to finally nod off. And even as the darkness took over, he felt a hollowness carving its way into his chest and spreading like a flame. It was only a matter of time before he burned.

It was 9 pm on a Tuesday when his dam came undone.

He'd cried for what felt like hours, until he was too numb to feel the muscles of his face move as he wheezed a deep breath of air.

His room was silent--horribly silent. The only sounds came from him, breaths slow and labored. There were no whispers, no visions, no Hannah and no Beth. The medicine took them all away.

He knew that was a good thing, and yet he couldn't help but miss it all. He longed to hear another voice besides his own, keeping him company in the late hours of the night, whispering to him secrets he held still, deep in his heart.

He missed a lot of things.

Images of his friends flooded his head, and with them a rush of pain to his chest.

Guilt.

He'd ruined them. He knew it was true. They smiled still, sure, but in their eyes he saw the uncertainty, the pain that followed someone who'd been hurt, wherever they went.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

And he meant it, with all he had left.

**Author's Note:**

> Title and summary from Flatsound.
> 
> If you're having suicidal thoughts, please know 2 things: one, that is your illness trying to destroy you. That's not you, the real you. You're more. And two, there are things in life you've yet to see. There's a whole lot of time to be dead, and so very little to be alive. Go outside. Watch the sunset and listen to your favorite type of music. Buy yourself a milkshake or a soda or a treat and pull up your hood, and lie in the grass. Breathe. And remember that you've only seen so little of what life has to offer. Even as the sun sets, it casts beautiful, alluring shades of pink and orange. But the night is just as beautiful. Watch the stars. And remember that in a few hours, it'll be morning, and the sky will be a stretch of dawning light--most likely light blues, oranges, and yellows. The air is clearest as the sun rises. And the day it gives way to is full of possibilities.
> 
> If your suicidal thoughts are becoming severe and you feel you might act on them, go to the nearest hospital or call a therapist, psychiatrist, or trusted person. Don't think. Just call. I swear on my life and my precious dog Jade's that it's worth it. (And I love my dog. A lot.)
> 
> Anyways, go watch some cat videos or smth. Or look up Kimya Dawson--she's lovely. You're lovely. Thank you so much for reading. <3
> 
> Have a good rest of your day/night!  
> Love,  
> Malek (Jo)


End file.
